Grace

It is the eve of the end and of the beginning.

Today has been a roller coaster and my anxiety has had moments of besting me today. I know that within every day we all experience moments of grace, we are not always present of mind to bare witness to them but they are there.

A quiet voice from a long ago past came though to me today and offered grace in such a profound way I can only begin to describe.

Thank you-

Getting the picture of how some one saw you at the time (what a time, it was the years around the cataclysmic shifts that marked my transition from a child to a young woman), I was grateful. Grateful because it has given me a moment of normalicy to interject into the memory of that crazy time. That some one saw me as something other than that poor girl. Granted the view was glaringly harsh, the original memory unforgiving. Thank you- I am glad that in that moment of childhood there was a moment not marked by death or destruction but by a childhood drama playing out in a usual manor.

The grace came from hearing the honesty from this truly wonderful woman, her view now softened by the wisdom of age and hind site. Her heart big and open. Her bravery. Grace in forgiveness. Thank you- for aiding in the connection, my re-rooting.

Was this a divine wisdom at play? This moment that has left me feeling so unsure of what is to come. Being offered a solid interpretation. I believe that I will share the details from todays encounter with my daughter when she is older. If she can have more open sight than I did as a child she will be the better for it.

While this was the moment that shaded everything else today. My day was full of grace moments. Seeing the joy in my daughters' eyes as we shared a joke. Watching my plan come together. Of course the balance to that was watching the schedule shift around, have small road blocks to my plan.

Sigh... tomorrow I will say goodbye to he place where I have made my professional home for over 6 years. It is the right move, it is the smart move, it is the move that brings me one step closer.

Ahh creature of habit- hush up now. There is no turning back, no running with your tail dragging behind you.

the slowness of breath

I am amazed. As I am on the cusp of closing one of the best chapters of my life I find myself giving silent prayers of thanks. Silent messages to the universe. My heart feels whole but at the same time a little heavy. I have a a feeling of overall calm. There is a gentle hand at my back. The fear and anxiety I felt in the previous weeks is disappearing, the fog is clearing. I feel like I am going to emerge one step closer to my truer self.

Do other people have these moments? It feels grand and humbling all at the same time. Do others listen to themselves. Are we meant to look so far inward? To ask? To demand of ourselves the answers that are buried, where we hid the plan that we laid.

What of connection? To touch another- with the hand, with a word, with your heart.

I aspire to live connected. Not through radio waves, digital impulses- the faceless ones. I long to feel rooted, to show my children the value of the heart, of the connection to the people around them. Is this lost? Is it emerging? Are you out there?

To reach this I must slow down, feel the slowness of my breath. In and out, the movement the rhythm, matches that undulation that comes from the earth, that comes from within.

I shout to the sky- I am open- I am ready- I think.........

wow what is going on

I am taking a left turn here. I initially thought I would write the story of my son's adoption. How ever in the last month I have found my self at a cross road. Professionally and personally.

I will continue my initial story but today feel the need to vent on being invisible.

I feel as though I am slowly disappearing. Or is it that I am going through a reinvention of sorts and this particular incarnation is dissolving.

I am leaving the place that I have worked at for almost 7 years and venturing to work from home (YIKES).

I am still working through the past in order to get a line on the future but really needing to be rooted in the present.

The need to feel the solid roots of my friendships has left me feeling a little paranoid and vulnerable. (Why does no one call?) I know that in my drive and prior work schedule I was not a very good friend of family member. Rarely did (do ) I call anyone to chat. I have let some of these roots wither. And now I am not sure what my expectation could / should be.

I have moments of solidly believing that I am moving towards something. These are balanced by the fear of moving away from................

All I really know is that this is going to be an interesting ride.