If you can't say something.........

If you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all. If I were truly going to take that piece of advice this would be an awfully short piece.

Being a Mom- who decided to label it terrible 2's. Most of the age of 2 was a cake walk. The last leg of it however, running to the threes- well no one ever warns you about that until you are at it's ugly doorstep. My sweet, funny, wonderful daughter is one of the greatest joys in my life, but I swear, those moments when she is possessed, I can not believe that it can be one in the same. Her temper tantrums are a thing of awe. Zero- demon can happen in a blink of an eye. Over seemingly small insignificant things. "No you may not have a cookie for breakfast" is met with the following in rapid succession: I want a cookie

Cookie NOW

C O O K I E followed by things I am sure only the dog down the street can make out. Not a breath taken. Is truly is awe inspiring. I have learned that you must ignore the beast for it to go away. No amount of time outs will stop the rampage. No amount of tones meant to soothe can temper this howling and flash anger. So I simply look the other way. With no attention being paid the beast is with out oxygen and soon gives up. But still this is a wonderful age to see the growth happening in their personalities. To bare witness to the expansion of their world. For this to happen they must push against the boundaries, see how far they can go. Good for them. Now someone pass me a shot of Jack.

Waiting- I have come to realize in some ways I am like my daughter. I have the patience of a three year old. I am waiting for some news at the moment. It is killing me. I was told the last week of July- well here it is, last couple of days are slipping by..... It is my ego that is suggesting that my time is of such great importance I should wait for no one and nothing. Life however does not work that way. I have been stressed for a couple of days over this, pretty sure I have not been sweet as sugar around home ( I also have a sneaking suspicion that there is a hormone thing tied to this but heaven help the poor schmuck that decides to suggest that to me).

In all fairness due to my job I do have to have my life scheduled pretty far in advance. However, I can not wait well. Perhaps it is time to rethink my strategy here. It seems that I waste much time being tense over things that I obviously can not control. I could put all that excess into so many other things. Like another shot of Jack (just kidding!)

Rude people- You know them, pushy, self absorbed, sometimes (but not always) ill informed. Cut in front of you to get on the train. Use a stupid amount of profanity in front of my kid in a public place. I have been known to drop the occasional Fbomb, and at times I can pepper my speech with a few tart choices. But come on, not only do I not want my kid hearing it- you sound stupid. How are you to be taken seriously in life if your vocabulary suffers such limitations. Manners teach respect- what is wrong with some of you?! Ahh too much Jack!

Thank you for letting me rant a little. I feel a little lighter. Life as a whole is good, and I will try to never take that for granted. I strive for more humor, peace, and patience to become a bigger part of who I am. I hope for that for my sweet one too. So where do I start?

Today I saw what I do not want to become. The person with those lines, you know the ones that make you look like a ventriloquist dummies. The deep downward slant from the corners of the mouth. Formed by the years of tightly clenched jaws. Why do we no longer smile at each other as we pass by in the streets or share an elevator? Why is it when some one does, it catches off guard and we immediately have the thought that they must be crazy or something.

There are always the shared experience laugh: something funny happens and it was witnessed by a group of random strangers, so there is laughter, perhaps a little comment or two and then you move on. Doesn't the day seems a little brighter, even if it is just a moment.

So why do we choose to look stone faced through people, or worse, down right look at them with malice or distrust? Everyone is uncomfortable and we may loose out on a chance to have a great but brief encounter that could enrich us in so many ways.

We all feel the desire to connect. Before all of this technology, people actually had to get together, talk, share stories, funny, sad, frightening. There was a support network that was built.

Phones, allowed for immediate verbal contact, but no need for physical. There is a loss that is suffered here. Learning to read body language, the small gestures that enable us to learn more information about the speaker than words could ever reveal. Being able to touch the person adds alot to a conversation, it may be comforting, flirtatious and genuinely supportive.

Now with the digital age, instant messaging, texting, email, and blogging (oh the irony is delicious to me!), we have removed the sound of the human voice. The nuance, the cadence, vibration and the rhythm. All important in telling us how to perceive the information being given. How many people have had issues with interpretation of an email or message gone wrong.

All of this has all but destroyed language. Constant short forming of words and phrases, lack of sentence structure, and the spelling in general! Even though most of this technology has spell check applications (how unhip of me to use the full word as opposed to sounding hip and cool by using apps). We override it in our haste to get the word out. What word? Why is it so damned important that you can't (or can not, for those of you about to call me on my use of a contacted word, I am not perfect and I know it) take a minute to check your spelling. No one likes to be though of as stupid, but really, if you were judged on how you got the word out- would people be able to surmise that you had more than a first grade education?

I love story telling- not the mundane that gets posted- I mean really why do we need to know what people are doing every minute of the day?

But real 'this happened to me' type stories. The kind that help us to learn, grow, not take some of the trivial stuff so serious and to not take the special stuff for granted. The kind that makes you laugh until your belly aches, the cheeks are wet with tears and the body feels happy exhausted. The kind of stories that make you cry or shake your fist at the sky. No more dummy but a lively person whose expression was always changing so the deep ugly slash lines never have a chance to take. This is the path I choose to take.

whiplash

It has been along time. I have wanted to write but have lost the direction and the notion. Should this be a confessional? Entertainment? Who shall I write for?

That last question is some what easy- I will write for me. But whom ever decides to read- I will try to entertain you.

Since I have last posted I have lost my beloved cat. He died in January. He was 18. I named him Lestat as he was full of attitude like the brat prince in the vampire chronicles. I miss my boy. He helped my heart heal after giving my son up oh so long ago.

The cat was with me in the trailer park and we moved on up to where we are now. I could not have asked for a better traveling companion. My heart aches still now, when I look at the spot on the couch that for his last few months was his favorite place to be. My throat closes just a little when I hear my sweet daughter 'talk' to him in her room to tell him how much she misses him too.

Pets do teach unconditional love- for the most part. I do believe with cats there are some conditions. There was no rest in the house if his water dishes (yes dishes) we not all full above the 1/2 way point. He was leash and command trained- at his whim.... Above all he was mine.

In the few dark nights of the soul I have had he was my sounding board. I do not know who I have now? Part of me thinks now that I am getting to 40, (a little less than 2 years to go) that the late night navel gazing sessions I used to love are a childish thing to put away. In part as I do not have the time. I am now a mother too- and sleep is a precious commodity.

How ever here I am, gazing deep- and now using you as my silent but present sounding board. Perhaps this is an evolution of sorts. My evolution.

This can not offer a knowing gaze, deep yellow eyes calling me on my bullshit- a well placed swat of a paw when I am pushing in too much. Or just the quiet warmth of a cuddle.

I will move forward- but I will always take the time to close my eyes and feel your long black fur in my finger tips. Listen for your scratchy yowl and try to catch what remains in my heart of your ever elusive happy purr- you were just too cool for that.

I love you my boy, thank you for carrying my story this far.