whiplash

It has been along time. I have wanted to write but have lost the direction and the notion. Should this be a confessional? Entertainment? Who shall I write for?

That last question is some what easy- I will write for me. But whom ever decides to read- I will try to entertain you.

Since I have last posted I have lost my beloved cat. He died in January. He was 18. I named him Lestat as he was full of attitude like the brat prince in the vampire chronicles. I miss my boy. He helped my heart heal after giving my son up oh so long ago.

The cat was with me in the trailer park and we moved on up to where we are now. I could not have asked for a better traveling companion. My heart aches still now, when I look at the spot on the couch that for his last few months was his favorite place to be. My throat closes just a little when I hear my sweet daughter 'talk' to him in her room to tell him how much she misses him too.

Pets do teach unconditional love- for the most part. I do believe with cats there are some conditions. There was no rest in the house if his water dishes (yes dishes) we not all full above the 1/2 way point. He was leash and command trained- at his whim.... Above all he was mine.

In the few dark nights of the soul I have had he was my sounding board. I do not know who I have now? Part of me thinks now that I am getting to 40, (a little less than 2 years to go) that the late night navel gazing sessions I used to love are a childish thing to put away. In part as I do not have the time. I am now a mother too- and sleep is a precious commodity.

How ever here I am, gazing deep- and now using you as my silent but present sounding board. Perhaps this is an evolution of sorts. My evolution.

This can not offer a knowing gaze, deep yellow eyes calling me on my bullshit- a well placed swat of a paw when I am pushing in too much. Or just the quiet warmth of a cuddle.

I will move forward- but I will always take the time to close my eyes and feel your long black fur in my finger tips. Listen for your scratchy yowl and try to catch what remains in my heart of your ever elusive happy purr- you were just too cool for that.

I love you my boy, thank you for carrying my story this far.