I credit that moment, the very creation of my son as a life saving moment for me.

Depression was a mud I was mired in, for longer than I care to admit. I was not working,

living in an apartment I could not afford. I had a hard time to leave the place, I had moved my mattress to the living room after my room mate had left. The only time I would leave was to wander the streets at night. Aimless, hopeless, fading into the shadows. I am still not sure of some of that time, it is a haze. There is one glowing orange spot from that time. Like a coal in a long burning fire. It is the moment that cut through everything.

I had been sick for a while- I could not eat, was exhausted and threw up much of the time.

In my shroud of self loathing I allowed myself to be used for sex by my ex. It was as though if I could trick myself into thinking I was wanted, that I mattered to someone even for a brief moment, life might be worth living. As my 'illness' never got worse or better I had a nagging thought. 'What if? Nah couldn't be, could it? What do I do?'

I have no idea how long I denied the possibility, by the time I got to the doctor to take the test I was told that 16 weeks had past. I remember all the breath leaving my body at that moment. I had not been that scared in a long time. I had not cared for my life, let alone that life fighting to grow with in me. I had waiting just long enough to limit my choices to two. To keep or not to keep, that was the looming question.