I was still had no inkling what was to come. I called him and told him flat. 'I am pregnant'.

There was a long pause, 'what makes you think it is mine?'

'Because of the timing', another flat reply.

'I am not going to marry you' very matter of fact, resolute.

I was caught by suprise on this one and almost burst out laughing. 'That is not why I am telling you, I don't really want anything. I guess I just wanted you to know. When I figure out what I am going to do I will let you know."

It is strange but that is all I can recall about that conversation, I have no idea what was said after or how the call ended. All I know is feeling more frightened than I had in a long time, in the same instant I would experience these moments of calm, almost a complete knowing that it was all going to turn out ok.

Termination was taken off the table. Ahh this life, this life that is growing inside me. What right did I have to impose my messed up world on to something so pure. I did not deserve such a chance. I was not worthy. I was not ready, I had very little love for myself, how could I possibly care for this life. I would come to discover that the love I could feel for this little creature knows no bounds.

I was living with my sister. I had asked and promised it would be short term. I had to get a job, I had to do chores and I had to give them some money. It was bleak and akward as I could tell I was not entirely welcome. She is nine years older than I. We were once close, when I was little. When my Mother died we all splintered. My two older sisters were just young women and I was just beginning to step towards puberty. There was a retreat, a disconnect that in many ways is obvious today. I wanted so badly to tell some one. I had finally decided to tell her, it was one day, nothing particular happened, I just needed to come clean.

I had come home from work to find the house empty. I was going over the conversation in my head. I wanted them to know I was not asking for anything I just wanted to discus aloud the two options I was facing.

I heard her car, I waited in the kitchen. I had decided to start a casual conversation, beginning with 'How was your day?'

I have great news she said so excitedly. I am pregnant!

I thought I was going to pass out. Somehow my face and voice went on autopilot. A big painful grin spread across my face- oh how exciting I exclaimed. I could not breathe. I could not take this away from her.

We chatted for a few more minutes. Citing that I had an early day and was exhausted (being a truth), I slinked down the stairs and crept into bed. I cried so hard, rage. Silently screaming into the pillow (I did not want to risk them hearing and have to explaining my very dramatic outburst.

The anger, the fear and again it was followed by the calm. It would be ok.